I've come out of retirement for my annual stint as the unofficial championship mustache evaluator and report writer. If this does not adequately justify my role in your life, you can call may the Emeritus Poet Laureate of TnFnorth (a dubious distinction).
Now let's dive in, shall we?
Last year was a bit of a mess. And I'm not just talking about the course (which certainly affected my ability to appraise mustaches IRL and from the scant, blurred photographs uploaded to the intarwebz). But the first time is often a mess.
I'm talking about mustache report writing.
I didn't really have a plan. I was going to take notes. But then it snowed a lot and I got really angry at some parking garages and wanted to punch a baby. It happens. So then I was going to take notes at the after party. I'm sure you can imagine how this went. It didn't.
This year, I was much more organized. I was assigned the task of mid-race scoring of the men's teams. I think I most monstrously misinterpreted the nature of this task. I don't think whoever got that paper was looking for this string of numbers: ... 5.5... 8... 10! 10! NO! HOLY SHIT 12!!!!! 3....
Anyways. There were also more pictures on the interwebs. I took notes on those too. I also used a highlighter on the program.
It was a VERY serious business. Mark my words. I've even linked to pictures for everyone to
Now, without further ado... the categories. I've added some new ones this year, so watch yourself, lest you wet yourself.
Spectator of the Year
Oh man. As soon as I saw him I knew. I don't know the man's name. But he kind of looked like this TA I once had, and his name was Nick. So let's call this guy Nick.
Nick was sporting gold spandex booty shorts. That in of itself was worth all the marbles. There were probably other things. But no other thing was necessary. I don't remember if he had a mustache or not.
|This is everything I've ever wanted.|
Community Service Award
One time I made fun of this award and realized I was talking to a past winner. Awks. Anyways, this award bears no resemblance to the official one, where outlandish do-goodery is awarded. Unless you consider the promotion of filthy personal appearance to the masses to be do-goodery. And I do.
This award goes to someone who had the appearance of someone likely to be doing community service. Yes, this award goes to none other than last year's Rookie of the Year winner, Dylan Haight for sporting what might be the most filthy mustache/flow/mullet combo I've ever seen. And that, my friends is an honour worth receiving.
|Absolute filth, couldn't get enough of it.|
Bowling for Soup Award
Don't think anyone got this reference last year, and that's totally fine with me because it's not a cool reference. Last year I had a bit of trouble assigning this award, as I claimed blindness to mediocrity. This still holds, however I do feel that someone stepped up to command my attention in this category. Maybe this is the award that they coveted. I can only imagine the fulfillment that a young man might feel after being written about in the infamous "speed googles blog". It's the sort of thing a mother would print out and put on the fridge.
Maybe just my mother. She's an odd lady.
In any case, I award the prestigious Bowling for Soup Award to none other than Charlie Allan of the Waterloo Warriors, for the ballsy application of a sharpie handlebar mustache. It's long been my motto that if you know you're gonna fail embarrassingly, at least have the forthwith to fail humourously.
|Bro, do you even lift?|
Also worth noting, T. Sayers of Western seen wearing aviators and a purple do-rag. I'm not sure what it all means. It was facking cloudy as shit.
You know what this one's about... you're at the peewee league year end picnic and this is the award the kinda chunky klutzy kid with the heart of gold gets because people feel a bit bad for him 'cause he tries real hard and all and he did manage to get an assist that one time, which is a one up from nothing you suppose...
Yeah, that's exactly what this award is too. Sometimes I want to recognize people but they just aren't up to snuff. I can tell they tried hard to grow a filthy, offensive 'stache. And believe me, the depth was quite unreal this year. I was twitching. You can't take me anywhere.
And so, the 'most improved' mustache category winner is Jeff Archer of Queen's. Maybe he had a mustache last year. But the one he had this year erased all memory I had of it, it was so glorious.
Maybe next year bud.
Rookie of the Year
After last year's stellar rookie class, the class of 2016 (but let's be real... 2017) left me a little disappointed. None of the big name rookies stepped up with any 'stache offerings. That's fine with me though... meant I got to do a little research. Had to dig a little deeper. Some say I have a knack for that sort of thing.
But then I realized that J-D Labranche is technically a rookie. I like Quebec, but it is a strange place. So JD, his mustache and his red mullet/mohawk are the winners of the illustrious 'rookie of the year' distinction.
|French mustaches are usually better.|
An honourable mention goes to Austen Forbes of the Marauders.
Last year, Windsor blew everyone out of the water for the big dub. This year, things were a little muddier (possibly to make up for the lack of mud... or boa constrictors present in London). I was highly impressed by the showings of Regina, Victoria as well as the defending champs, Windsor. Queen's, who I had called for the dark horse win let me down a little, as I noted a lack of strong upper lip. Seriously though, stop with the Chad Kroeger. No one likes that. Obligatory joke about Avril Lavigne.
Now. The winners. It would seem, as last year, that to the runners-up go the mustache spoils. Laval.
I realize this could be somewhat controversial. They didn't even all have mustaches!, I hear you cry. This is a travesty! Perhaps it is. But so am I. And those red mullet/mohawks were straight up. I love the mullet nearly as much as the mustache. And when I saw Laval sporting both, I had to put my sunglasses on. And I reserve that sort of action for only the most special of occasions.
|Fucking instagram? Dusty.|
EZ-PZ. Kelly Wiebe. Duh.
|So beautiful even Wiebe's been caught staring.|
Better luck next year d00ds. I'll be watching with anticipation.